To fall away is a slow fade...

In that moment when I realize that I have been gradually making conscious, although small, decisions of disobedience, my heart breaks. I realize that I am responsible for where I am, and I know how I got there. It was by a string of tiny choices that led me further and further from the heart and will of my Father God. I realize, repent, and turn to Him again, wondering if there will ever be a time when I will make the right decision first instead of later.

I thank God for His grace in showing me that every decision to bear my heart when I should have guarded it, or to be still and listen instead of speak, or even simply to seek love in the approval of others instead of giving it, causes my heart to wander from Him. It's a good reminder that every time I know that there is a decision to be made, and I choose what I want when I know He has something better, it effects more than just that moment. There is no such thing as an independant moment in time...all is eternal.

Ephesians 2:10 "For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God has before prepared that we should walk in them."

Worship

Today is a new day, as was yesterday. The difference was, yesterday I just didn't see it. Renewed life is a strange thing. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it's really alive, flourishing, and rejoicing. Sometimes the heart just waits quietly, and in those times the temptation to grasp loneliness is often fierce. We don't always feel joy, but I am convinced that it is always within us, because the one who made joy is within us. We just don't always choose to recognize it.
Is it something we can choose? I don't know...
Some days I just see something beautiful or read inspired words, and they touch my heart and remind me who my God really is. Worship is like a fire within my heart; it just takes the right spark to ignite it. But other times my heart feels grey, not like a stormy day, but like a canvas that hasn't been painted. I think I don't know what's going to happen, or what tomorrow will look like, or maybe I do and I just doesn't sound exciting, so I feel grey and I just stare at it. But there is a marvelous landscape behind the grey canvass, and I could look at it, I could even paint it, but I just sit there...staring...
I want every day to be a sunset day, a dance with my Dad day, a falling in love day, but my days are not all alike. Are some days meant for weathering the storm? Or are those the days that I just choose to stare at my grey canvas and refuse to watch the beauty surrounding me? I wish I knew...
I wish that tomorrow could be different just because I said so. But I really don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. What if I see the beauty, but I just don't feel inspired. I don't know if I know how to choose to worship anyway. I want to learn how to worship, to turn my heart to the Lord, even if I am not inspired by His beauty. I think that's what true worship is: choosing to fall to my knees even when I see only grey. Maybe if I did that more, I would have more falling in love days. Then true worship could become a way of life. That's what frustrates me the most about my humanity, the fact that sometimes even in all of His splendor, my eyes just can't see.

Material For Sacrifice

The feelings in my heart change each day
but my striving to find what fills, what satisfies, never changes.
It's never enough that I walk away, feeling the ache in my heart
Holding tight to that ache, hoping it will satisfy.

I hold out my empty hands, hoping to receive consolation
but they are not empty, they hold my heart,
and I know I must offer it back to You.

Lovingly, you look down at my palms and whisper,
"I will not fill them, for they are already full
of material for sacrifice."
Lay this, your heart, at my feet.

So I lay it down as my tears wash it clean,
but before my heart can even touch the alter,
Your hands meet mine and receive the sacrifice.
The hands that suffered so much protect my heart today.

And tomorrow, my hands are full again,
of material for sacrifice.

For Narnia!

High King Peter became immersed in his pride and honor when he first returned to Narnia. He met with Prince Caspian, gathered an army and drove them into battle. He did not wait for Aslan. Simple and pure, Lucy reminded him of what he should be fighting for. "For Narnia!" he cried, as he stormed the Telmarine city. Most of those with him died in the battle that night. He had been fighting for his honor and for the survival of Narnia, both good things, but the battle of his heart was not honorable because his focus was not on the true King, Aslan.
When Peter realized his failure and focused his heart on a greater purpose, he gathered the army to fight a second time. First, he risked his life for the Narnians by fighting the evil king alone. Then, when his army rode against thier enemy, his battle cry changed. "For Aslan!" he cried. A great change of heart for Peter accompanied the Narnians victory. He was no longer fighting for a cause, which can always become selfish, "my cause." Peter was fighting for a person, The person of Aslan. Only when we fight for a Person can our fight become true, noble, and righteous. It is then that the cause is no longer ours. We can hold no claim on the true King, but fight for Him because of His claim on us.

Do we really struggle alone?

I just want us all to be who God has created us to be. Why does it seem so hard to express His Spirit who is within us, to love our lives as He has created us to, to love Him? We are all subject to fear of man if we let it overcome us, but there is so much freedom to know that when it really comes down to it, everyone struggles with the same things. We all need to feel loved, attractive, smart, like a whole person. Why is it that we feel as if we are incomplete? Perhaps it's because we are....because the whole of creation groans and yearns for the completion that will come when Jesus returns. We forget that creation groans with us, in fact, we think we are groaning alone, isolated. We become deceived to think that we are the only one who feels lost in a sea of people who have it all figured out. The truth is that everyone is very good at pretending that they are ok, but each person it that sea thinks they are struggling and everyone else is ok. We need to learn to let go of this...I think we need to learn to see the world through His eyes.

If we only saw ourselves the way He sees us, we would know that we are not only loved. We are treasured! Christ loves us as His bride, and He yearns to be with us all the time. I just want to encourage you today that if you feel like no one realy likes to be around you or really understands you, Jesus is excited to be with you. You should go spend some time with Him :)

When I last wrote I was about to leap headlong into my calling, trusting that Jesus alonecould keep me bound to him. I did as He directed and became fully devoted to music, practicing four hours most days, listening constantly, thinking constantly of how to develop this gift that He continually gives me. What happened stilled my fears. Instead of losing my focus on Christ, this newfound passion for my art has placed my focus directly on my heart. The one thing I feared I would forget, the importance of the development of my inner man, this one thing He has brought up in me for deep change. The Lord has me gazing into my own heart, wondering how I might allow Him to change the depth of sin within me. Through this devotion to music, in a way I really can't explain, He has allowed me to see what needs to change in my heart, and taught me to hope that He can accomplish this great task.

The way I focus as I perform has been in constant development, and my prayer now is that in the two weeks before my recital, He will be faithful to change my heart so my sole focus may be His glory in the presentation of the music He has created.

True Beauty

This week has been horrible and wonderful at the same time. Horrible in the reality of life, and wonderful in the evidence of God's unfailing faithfulness.
It began with a very sore throat and growing illness, and that left me feeling spent, and I suppose just physically exposed the raw void inside me. My heart is weary and spent, but I hide it so well on the outside. Once my body was torn down as well, I had to give in. So I did. I found out that I'm not good enough, and I have much more to accomplish than I could ever have time to do. I was at the end of myself, and people did not seem to see how much my heart was hurting. I ended the afternoon in tears, followed by a good talk with my mom. What happened next was the most amazing thing. God revealed Himself to my heart in a way that would not have been possible without the horrible day preceeding it. He showed me something amazingly simple: if I am willing to be faithful, He is willing to see me through and honor my faith. He had prepared my heart the day before with a sermon on faith. Let go of your doubt, stop comparing yourself to others and looking at your past failures, trust in God's promises and take a leap of faith. That is what I heard on Sunday, and what slammed into me on Monday night. I felt Him telling me that it was time for the next step, so gradually this week I learned what I had to do.

I guess I struggle most with how to be undyingly passionate for my art while still loving my God above all. I want to live and breathe this music that I love, but I don't really know how. I've always sort of held it at bay, afraid it would take over like I've seen it do to some. I don't want to be consumed by anything but Christ, but how then can I be full of it? It has to be for His glory...I'm not sure how to do that yet.
The purpose is true beauty, like a pure sunset reflecting His glory simply by its existence. The music should communicate the simple beauty of life. That's what Beethoven's 5th sounded like to day...it just sparkled. I wish music was like that every day. But the truth is, to get there, first comes hours of metronomic practice and endless analyzation. The hard part is to not forget the truth and beauty in the preparation. Instead, the preparation must lead to the end, a presentation of THE TRUTH to the world. His truth can be proclaimed through our faithfulness somehow, but we have to remember that the practicing is not the end, but the means to glorifying Him.
This is my heart's struggle now, and I pray and trust that He will show me how to pour myself into the music, yet be consumed by Him.