Summer

Tomorrow I enter the first day of a new season of my life. I plan to know God more, know myself even less (isn't it funny how the more you learn, the less you understand?), and allow my body to finally rest. I want to read a lot of Tolkien, Jane Austen, perhaps some Dumas (it's been a while sence I read "The Count of Monte Cristo") and maybe even explore an author or two that I've never read before. Next week I'll spend the week in Florida with my church learning how to die to sin and live for Christ...as well as swimming on the white sand beaches. I have some violin students, and an assignment to learn the most amazing violin concerto ever written. Am I ready? I think so. Lord, take me on an adventure!

The Space in Between Us

Ich bin gestorben...this is German for "I have died", my teacher's classic example of a past participle, and one that we can never use at that. All this to say that this phrase best describes how I feel right now. My body is so worn down that I feel the weight of all the stress and late nights from the whole semester dragging me down as I attempt to finish my finals. I think it might be more of a spiritual feeling affecting the physical, because this week marks the end of a year long battle for closeness with the Father, trusting my heart to Him, and spiritual warfare. It is also a relief to see what a different person I am after having been through my trials, but still, I feel empty. Do you know that song "The Space in Between Us?" That song reflects my thoughts when it says "All I want to do is to fall into the emptiness that is the space in between us." I feel that the more I know my God, the more I realize that I don't know Him, the more I read his Word as living and breathing, and the more I sense His peace even in the midst of my struggles with sin. Those are my thoughts, and with that I go to bed, hoping to rest a few hours before my last two finals begin. I leave you with these words that have been comforting me: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in all things, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Seasons

The weather is changing. Summer is in the air, in Texas anyway. There are only four days of class left, then finals. We just performed Mahler's "Resurrection" symphony and even through our imperfections God spoke, so much so that we received rave reviews in Ft. Worth. For the first time in my life I feel like next fall is not just another semester...it's an adventure. But God has my curiosity because I don't know what kind of adventure. I sense a changing season in my life.....what will He bring next? He has filled me with hope for the future!

He is faithful!

My wonderful community of girls that I study God's word with every week had just finished praying when rain began to pour down outside. I stepped onto the front porch to find out how fast I would have to run to my car when my friend pointed out a rainbow. My first thought was how pretty it was and how long it had been since I had seen one. But as I ran to my car in the rain, staring at the rainbow all the while, I felt God speak to my heart the way he has been doing so often lately. He said "I am faithful." Just as with the first time I felt the revelation of my own sin, or the meaning of certain passages of scripture, this simple statement resounded within my heart. How is it that I have seen rainbows all my life and known that they were a symbol of God's faithfulness, but never really grasped the meaning? I felt the signifigance of this tonight because we had just finished praying for each other's deepest needs, and this was God saying "I will answer your prayers because I am faithful." What a blessing!

I love how every day my life becomes more about Jesus and less about myself, but as I receive each new astounding revelation I am more floored by my own sinfulness. My heart is excited because of Truth one moment, but in the next moment my heart breaks because of what this Truth reveals of who I am. What a journey life can be! I feel a calling of hope, not just on my life, but on all of ours lives. No matter what is happening, whether we be discouraged or excited, whether we feel loved or alone, God is calling us to hold fast to his Word and step into battle each day. His faithfulness never changes though our attitudes and feelings change moment by moment. He is faithful in all things and through all situations.

Just as a side note, I have the honor of performing (with the Baylor Symphony, Baylor Combined Choirs, and Schola Cantorum Choir of Ft. Worth) one of the most evokative Symphonies in existence. Mahler's resurrection symphony speaks clearly of our faith in Jesus bringing us into new life. He says it much better in the text of the 5th movement, so I'll let you read it yourself.

O red rosebud!Man lies in deepest need!
Man lies in deepest pain!Oh how I would rather be in heaven.
There, I came upon a broad path;
There, came a little angel and wanted to send me away.
Ah no! I would not let myself be sent away!
I am from God and will return to God!
The loving God will give me a little light,
Which will light me into that eternal blissful life!
Rise again, yes, rise again,
Will you My dust,
After a brief rest!Immortal life! Immortal life
Will He who called you, give you.

To bloom again were you created!
The Lord of the harvest goes
And gathers in, like sheaves,
Us together, who die.

O believe, my heart, O believe:
Nothing to you is lost!
Yours is, yes yours, is what you desired
Yours, what you have loved
What you have fought for!

O believe,
You were not born for nothing!
Have not for nothing, lived, suffered!

What was created
Must perish,
What perished, rise again!
Cease from trembling!
Prepare yourself to live!

O Pain, You piercer of all things,
From you, I have been wrested!
O Death, You masterer of all things,
Now, are you conquered!

With wings which I have won me,
In love’s fierce striving,
I shall soar upwards
To the light which no eye has penetrated!
Its wing that I won is expanded,and I fly up.
Die shall I in order to live.
Rise again, yes, rise again,
Will you, my heart, in an instant!
That for which you suffered,
To God will it lead you!

Letting Go: Part 2

"I do believe," said Mr. Winfrey, "that everything you do should be done for the Glory of God." "Why, yes of course," agreed Mrs. Winfrey, "But then I must pose a question. Why have you spent all these years so dedicated to your politics?" "Well," Mr. Winfrey replied, "it is because I am also called to give my best to everything I am called to do." "Yes," said his wife, "but have you consulted God on every decision? Have you been willing to follow his direction at the expense of your career?" A moments silent contemplation left the two alone in each others' company, but in the decidedly obvious company of a third Presence which had been desiring to penetrate thier hearts long before this sudden conversation. Convicted by the Holy Spirit, Mr. Winfrey replied to his wife's final question through the tears that rolled down his old cheeks. "My dear, I believe I have neglected to follow my Lord, using my striving for His glory as the very excuse for ignoring Him all together." "Yes, she said, I believe we have both done this. Let us ask our Lord to change our hearts now, in our old age." With that they both painstakingly nelt to the floor, grasped each others' hands, and began to call out to the God they had left behind.

I don't know why this touching scene came to mind, but it describes how I feel exactly. You see, I have just this moment realized that my search for aproval, honor and acceptance in my field of study is just the same as any sinner's empty search for honor in this world. I have used my striving for God's glory as an excuse to seek my own. My heart is deeply convicted of this now, as I realize that there is an extent to which I can give God control over my life which I never imagined possible. It is like I have been standing in this giant room full of possibility and all of a sudden a sky light has been opened and I see more endless possibility stretching beyond where I thought the end lay.

I am so deeply touched that the God I serve would take the time to open my eyes to the tragic way I have been living and teach me who I am really supposed to be. I have so many dreams for the future, but in following my dreams I have become blind to who I really am in Christ. The reality is that our life on this earth is so fleeting that the only thing worth while is to seek Christ with all that we have, and to live to bring the message of His Gospel to the ends of the earth. I thought I had to wait until I was finished with this task to do that, but I realize now that I can live the testimony of Christ right now! I can let go of the honor I have been grasping for and simply drink in His presence. It is really ok to let go.

Letting Go

When I get an idea about my future, plans I may have or places I want to go, I often grab hold of it with such fierceness that not even the word of God can rip it from my mind. Often several months later I realize that it was simply an idea and that I let myself run away with plans and dreams that were not His. That is what happened with my dream of going to Germany directly after I graduate. I know that I will go eventually, but God showed me that I was running ahead of Him with that idea. Much the same thing has happened in the past week. I realized that the main reason I was trying to play in a festival this summer was because I feel like I'm behind. It is expected by "them" that I would have participated in a major festival by now, and since this is my last summer before my senior year I feel very pressured to get everything done. I decided yesterday to let go of what others expect of me and simply follow the Lord's leading for this summer. I am auditioning for one festival and if I get in I will know it was God, because it is a world wide competition (for the Austrian American Mozart Academy during the Mozart Festival in Salzburg). I feel so free knowing that God has amazing plans for me this summer, even if that means doing office work in Waco. He knows what is best for my life...and I am learning patience and trust by the boatload :) I am so thankful that my Savior paid the price for my sin and takes the time to lead my life day by day. Happy Easter to everyone!

My Prayer

Lord,

Let your faithfulness fill my thoughts
and your holiness be the meditation of my heart

Allow me to minister to others
even if I don't know where my life is going

Never let my desire for man
supersede my love for God

Don't let fears steal my joy
or pain steal my hope

Let my utmost desire
be Your honor and glory

And never let me forget your faithfulness

Let my pain remind me of your sovereignty
and my sorrow bring your peace

When my heart aches, I know that
you are God, because you always hold me

Even if I scream "Where are you?"
when you're right by my side

I know that your love endures forever.

Changing Seasons

I feel a slight sadness that I would not expect to be mixed with all the joyful, wonderful and happy feelings on my birthday. I am sad to leave my teenage years behind because in some special way they symbolize childhood, and I'm not sure that I'm ready for the monumental work Christ has prepared for me. I do rest in this comfort that He has also prepared me for this work. I'm ready to move forward into adulthood, but still holding on to that little girl within me. I think she will allways be there inside of me somewhere.

I know that the age of eighteen is traditionally when one becomes an adult, but I have decided that in my life it was more of an "adult trial period". I felt like so much of an adult when I turned eighteen, but the things the Lord has brought me through in the past two years have shaped me so much that I don't even recognize that girl who was finishing her freshman year, and now I'm moving into my senior year. I think that, yes, I am sad to leave a part of my childish innocense behind, but I know that a part of walking with Christ is experiencing changing seasons, and this new season will be more exciting than I could ever imagine. I will follow Him wherever He leads me, and as I walk I hope that I can find the strength to hold my tongue, quiet my mind, and listen to His voice speak to my heart. I can feel Him reawakening the dreams of my heart!

Floored

Yes, I am totally floored. I suppose I should have been paying more attention to what is going on in the world of homeschooling, but I haven't. I tuned into the "700 Club" by chance and heard an alarming story from abroad. Homeschooling is being challenged in the most disturbing of ways - a family has lost their daughter.

A young teenage homeschooled girl, 15-year-old Melissa Busekros, has been placed in a foster home after a year or more of psychiatric testing and evaluation. The strongest statements in defense of her "mental disorder", which has been diagnosed as "school phobia", are these: Melissa is "a highly disturbed girl who obediently and faithfully obeys the idealistic statements of her father and who describes the State as being despotic and 'fascist-like'." The CBN report also says that "Melissa demonstrates loyalty towards her father and unconditional solidarity with her family."
"They say I am influencing the children too much…," said Hubert. "They want to stop any influence of the father."
Joerg said, "If you have a good relationship to your children -- a very close relationship like in the Busekros case, it seems to be in the eyes of the officials, something which is dangerous."

If you want to read the news report you can find it at http://www.cbn.com/CBNnews/117053.aspx

I am horrified that families are still enduring this kind of persecution. Please keep the people of Germany in your prayers and pray that the Busekros family will win the current court battles to get thier daughter back. They have five other children who are also in danger of being taken. There are as many as 400 homeschooling families in Germany who currently have no political rights in this area.

Eclecticness...

There is a thunderstorm outside and I am enjoying it very much. I just saw "The Ultimate Gift". It is very inspiring, and although they mostly left God out of the story, the values of work, friendship, family, and love were very well expressed. I'm feeling kind of eclectic right now...I think it's because mom and dad have been gone for so long and, although I've spent some time with Grandma I feel like I've been by myself since Tuesday. Also, I feel like I've been lost in thought since Tuesday. I love what is said of Daniel in his book, chapter 7, verse 28, "...As for me, Daniel, my thoughts greatly troubled me and my countenance changed, but I kept the matter in my heart." Daniel felt the pain and fears of his situation (after having seen an amazing vision) but his heart remained steadfast. He stood firm. In my very eclectic mood I wrote a song with, I must say, a very basic chord progression, but the words are from my heart. I thought you might like to read it.

You were my first love
You were the one who wanted me
You were my wounded heart
The one who gave me eyes to see

And You are still here
in all my sorrows and all my pain
You still love me
even though I walked away

You are my comfort
The one who holds me when I cry
You are my heart beat
Even if I should die

And You are still here
when I hurt and when I cry
You give me joy
in everything in this hard life

You were my first love...

A short note...

Dad is doing really well and should be coming home from the hospital on Monday or Tuesday. Thank you so much for your prayers!

My peace is slowly returning as I enjoy a beautiful, restful Saturday. And, seemingly in response to spring break, all of the trees have decided to blossom. It's beautiful!! Happy spring break!

Tonight

I just wanted to say that my recital went very well. It was such a blessing to get to perform my music before my dearest friends and family! I am a little upset with myself for being so nervous, but it is to be expected :)
I do ask for your prayers now, because my Dad is having problems related to his heart surgery. He had some blood and fluid drained off his lungs and now his lung will not reinflate. He is scheduled for surgery tomorrow (Friday) morning at 9am. I would appreciate any prayers offered on his behalf!
I think this situation, which caused both my parents to be in Dallas during my recital, and also the fact that my arms hurt so much has made this experience far different than I thought it would be. I am still in a place of trials and sorrow, but I trust the morning will come as I hold onto my Jesus. This new week will bring some much needed rest and hopefully, and more importantly, peace for my soul. Thank you for your prayers!

A Day for Dreaming

I'm sitting at the computer (yes, I really am...) and wishing my homeowork away. Today feels like a day for dreaming. I want to go walk in the fields and just listen to God. I'm listening to a song called The Silent Side and just desiring above all things to listen to the voice of my Creator.
Today I have been thinking a lot about how the passions that develop within us are not accidental. Where we put the best of our energies and time and effort, there will our passions be. Does this sound familiar? "Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." I don't think I've ever looked at it this way before, though. I think that my Creator is calling me back to Himself. My heart hurt to realize that I have put the best of myself into my music. This is the best part, though...falling in love is not accidental!!! I've been wondering how to fall in love with Jesus, thinking that it would just happen one day. The truth is, when I choose to give Him the best of myself, then my passions will be there, where He is. I can choose to fall in love with Him! Wow...when I realize these things it seems to me that I should have known them all along, and maybe I did, but now I can express them. My mind is wandering...oh that spring break started this week! Keep listening to the voice of God :)
Ruth

Who I am

This past week has been one of the hardest in my life, but I think I have finally discovered some things about myself that I didn't see before. After my trials and pain last semester, I thought God had finished working in me through that experience and that I had learned what I needed to learn: that music is a blessing that I should thank him for every day. I was very surprised when the pain not only came back, but began to get worse until last Thursday when I could no longer play. I am now sitting out an entire symphony concert, and giving up my very first opportunity to play in the city's professional symphony as well. My heart hurts, because once again, I am in a place that I never thought I would be in: I can't remember what it feels like to play without pain. Lord, is this me talking? No, not me. This was never going to happen to me...
I realized for the first time that without my identity as a violinist, I still have an identity as myself. I am still the Lord's servant, a daughter of the king, and an aspiring woman of God. Even if I had to give up the violin, I would still be me. This is a hard thing for a musician to realize, no matter how simple it may seem. I also learned this week that I don't know what I want to do after I graduate next spring. I thought I had my plans laid out, but now I've realized that I don't even want those things. I keep saying to myself "I am stronger when I am weak." It is this biblical principal on which my life is built right now. That and also, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."
I am sure of this one thing, that I am blessed with a tremedous grup of family and friends and an awesome God, and I will never be left alone. Finally I am where God wants me to be: I have nothing left to give. Even what I give to Him comes from Him. I am helpless, so His strength can be mine. I have not strenth, no plans, and no answers. He can now freely mold my life to His will. I am ready for God to move.

Taking a Leap of Faith

God has been revealing a part of my heart lately that I didn't want to see. I have realized that in most cases I would rather not do something at all, then do it and make a mistake. I'm terrified of messing up. It's kind of like living my whole life believing in courtship...relationships will allways be future in my mind so I think I'll be terrified to begin one. It will take a lot of confirmation from the Lord on that one. The same goes for very simple things like swing dancing and other time commitments. If there is any doubt in my mind as to whether I can handle it, I might just decide not to do it at all. Why take the risk, right? But I can't live like that. That is not what walking in the Holy Spirit is like. To listen to and follow the voice of God we must be willing to act against our doubts. The question I am pondering now is this: how do we discern the difference between times when we must take a leap of faith, and times when we need to step back? I think that is why I am generally quiet, because it's safe. That way I'm less likely to say something I'll regret. But it happens anyway, and the Lord lets me make mistakes anyway. I have learned that no matter what choices we make, the Holy Spirit will continue to bring our sins to light to teach and shape us. I am so thankful for that! I struggle now with learning to abide in Him. It sounds simple enough, but it is a scarry thing for me. I've allways enjoyed making lists and I have found recently that my walk with Christ has been a long list of "how to live to honor Christ". God showed me last week that my primary focus should not be to honor Him, but to abide in Him. If I learn to ponder His glory, then He will transform me, and if I learn to abide in Him, I will learn to love like He does. It is not about my list, it's about my love relationship with Jesus. This idea has been received by me with enthusiasm, but I believe it will be a tough week learning to live it. I appreciate your prayers, my dear friends. Blessings in Christ!

It is Time

The time has come for us to love as Jesus loves us. We are called and chosen to spread the knowledge of our lord to the ends of the earth. Why, then are we still here? Practicing maybe? Getting ready to go in wise preparation or just delaying the departure? I'm ready to go now. My German is not ready and I don't think that my hands are ready either, but my heart is ready. There is only one thing I wonder about...when? I know I am called to music, to Germany, to be married, to be persecuted, but only God sees the order, the time and place of each directed path of my life. How I wish I could see the big picture now! Tomorrow I go to class and I study, this weekend I go to a baseball game, in several weeks I'll have a recital, and in a year maybe I'll be a missionary or maybe I'll still be here, living as I live now. The only thing I'm sure of is that I want with all of my heart to love Him. Sometimes I doubt my ability to do even that. This I know: He will prepare me, He will show me when the time is right, and He will work through me because on my own I can do nothing. I wish only, my dear friends, that I was not so fatally flawed as to fail in following Him every day. How many times will I have to hear that it's not about me to realize it? Oh my Jesus, teach me to be a true Christ follower. This is life - to follow Christ. It is time.

Summary - it says what I have said

Fatherless

They left, the men who belonged to all of those frightened families
Gone, lost in the cold, bleak world that is war
Some came home, many died
Those families, left without men to guide and teach them
They became the fatherless

Again, weeping at night, the children cried out for what they had lost
Hope, taken away in darkness and night, never seen again
Brutality robbed them of the life they should have had
But there was a design to save them
Save the fatherless

There is one, from the beginning of time, who has been what they need
Arms, encircling those in need of a leader, a man, a friend
He is there now, beginning to penetrate
the Berlin Wall that is around thier hearts
Break down the wall to reach the fatherless

Hope comes to a dark nation in the form of a man
He brings life through his chosen ones, sent to love
Love goes out and reaches the fatherless
Rise up! Carry them out of the depths of darkness
and bring the fatherless home

I write this out of my heart for the nation of Germany. They have been torn and broken by war and rendered fatherless physically and spiritually. They are a lost nation whom God desires to rise up and make a powerful light. I am going to the fatherless.

"Apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand."
- Boede Thoene

At the beginning of the semester I wrote out a list of things I wanted to accomplish. I want to become a good "follow" in swing dancing, to take more violin students, to become the technical level of a profession orchestra musician, and many other things. But the most important thing is not the goals themselves, but the idea behind them. I desire to fight apathy with every ounce of my being. I have started by fighing those complaining ideas and thoughts that come with homework and the daily grind of school and replacing them with joyful thougts of how blessed I am that my buis day consists of playing, studying, teaching, and listening to music (with a bit of German spoken in between). I am walking in the Lord's plan and I am so blessed to have this calling! The thing that influenced this decision the most was the attitudes I noticed in my classmates last semester. Everyone was constantly tired and stressed and complaining, even about practicing thier instruments or playing in ensemble. How can this be, I asked, that they have chosen to devote thier life to the study and performance of music with no purpose?

I then began to ask, "What is my purpose in music?" The Lord answered that question for me last semester, which is a whole other story, but essentially He taught me to worship him and to pour myself out as an offering at every performance. This was taught, and continues to be learned, through my struggle with arm and wrist pain. Because I walk in a purpose to spread the Gospel and the Love of Christ through my gift of music, I have chosen to walk in an attitude of joy and love. It sounds easy, right? Oh, it is such a struggle! Every thought of negativity has to be fought, replaced and then discarded. But the Lord gives me strength and every day is a new challenge and blessing. The one thing that I have noticed besides my increased clarity in walking with the Holy Spirit is the joy I feel inside. I am content. I wish you could see me smile :)

I realized something today. I was watching a movie and Colin Firth (of course) said "I like you...just as you are." Well, I lost it and haven't stopped crying since. I think that I've put up such a good mask that I can't even see what I'm feeling. Only today I told a friend that I'm doing great in my pursuit of singleness, enjoying my love relationship with Jesus. I am really content where I am and I have lots of plans for the future. I do want a husband, but I realize that I'm young and I can wait. But tonight I realized just how much my heart aches for someone to love me. I have an awesome father and so many friends and family who love me dearly, but they are not my promised one. There is a place in my heart that only the one God has set aside for me can fill and I'm still waiting for him. Waiting...It seems like such a passive word, but it is really a knife that cuts deep into the heart. Waiting means trusting, it means serving, and it means listening. It means being willing to sacrifice your own ideas and timeline for that of your omnicient Creator. So here I am...waiting. I don't know how long it will be, but I do know that my promised one is waiting too.
I am willing to wait