True Beauty

This week has been horrible and wonderful at the same time. Horrible in the reality of life, and wonderful in the evidence of God's unfailing faithfulness.
It began with a very sore throat and growing illness, and that left me feeling spent, and I suppose just physically exposed the raw void inside me. My heart is weary and spent, but I hide it so well on the outside. Once my body was torn down as well, I had to give in. So I did. I found out that I'm not good enough, and I have much more to accomplish than I could ever have time to do. I was at the end of myself, and people did not seem to see how much my heart was hurting. I ended the afternoon in tears, followed by a good talk with my mom. What happened next was the most amazing thing. God revealed Himself to my heart in a way that would not have been possible without the horrible day preceeding it. He showed me something amazingly simple: if I am willing to be faithful, He is willing to see me through and honor my faith. He had prepared my heart the day before with a sermon on faith. Let go of your doubt, stop comparing yourself to others and looking at your past failures, trust in God's promises and take a leap of faith. That is what I heard on Sunday, and what slammed into me on Monday night. I felt Him telling me that it was time for the next step, so gradually this week I learned what I had to do.

I guess I struggle most with how to be undyingly passionate for my art while still loving my God above all. I want to live and breathe this music that I love, but I don't really know how. I've always sort of held it at bay, afraid it would take over like I've seen it do to some. I don't want to be consumed by anything but Christ, but how then can I be full of it? It has to be for His glory...I'm not sure how to do that yet.
The purpose is true beauty, like a pure sunset reflecting His glory simply by its existence. The music should communicate the simple beauty of life. That's what Beethoven's 5th sounded like to day...it just sparkled. I wish music was like that every day. But the truth is, to get there, first comes hours of metronomic practice and endless analyzation. The hard part is to not forget the truth and beauty in the preparation. Instead, the preparation must lead to the end, a presentation of THE TRUTH to the world. His truth can be proclaimed through our faithfulness somehow, but we have to remember that the practicing is not the end, but the means to glorifying Him.
This is my heart's struggle now, and I pray and trust that He will show me how to pour myself into the music, yet be consumed by Him.