Refreshing the Heart

The price of purity is a vulnerable heart. That's not a famous quote, but a summary of the past two weeks of my life. God has brought me through a journey of discovery and renewal of my convictions this semester like I haven't experienced in a while. I began by reading "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot, which focused my heart on the Lord. That was before the pursual began. Can it even be called a pursual? Well, yes, that is what I will call it, because no matter how the world defines these things if a man expresses interest I will say I am being pursued.

During this experience I gave way to doubts about what is right and wrong in the world of "dating". There are certain things that seem a little ambiguous like the traditional "let's get coffee" question. What does that mean? Is it always an expression of interest or is it simply a harmless way to get to know new people? So the first time it happened I did go out for coffee. I felt like I was on a date...I had exposed my heart and I knew it. I really felt for a few days that meeting a guy one-on-one for coffee would be completely harmless, that I was just overanalizing because of my lack of experience, but now after some good discussions with the Lord and close friends, I know a full committment is what God is calling me to. I don't think that everyone has a revelation of a walk that seems this...well, the world would call it extreme..but I know with all my heart that this is how I will walk until the day that I say "I do".

Edit: These thoughts and experiences really and truly brought me to a place of contentment. The Lord taught me to let every mental entanglement go, and to simply trust Him. This was not the defining experience of my semester, but a good time of learning and renewal. I know I can always trust God to remind me when he has called me to walk a certain way, and he has done just that. These are my thoughts on the issue, and they may not be the calling of most, but it is my calling, and it is from the Lord. That is enough to give me peace and confidence in God's direction.

The burden of my heart

I don't think anyone reads this lately, but it helps me to articulate my thoughts, knowing someone may read them sometime. I feel like God is changing my heart in a new way. It feels broken and empty in the most astoudingly good way. It's that broken feeling where I know that He's bringing me more to the end of myself than I have ever been so I simply have to trust Him more. I've been realizing lately how large this battle against flesh really is. It seems even with my closest and dearest friends I must be guarded, and I realized tonight that I'm not guarding myself against them, I am guarding them from me! This battle against flesh makes me so weary and no matter how many times I come to this place, I always hear the same answer. "Trust me more. Hold on to me tighter. Hug me harder. Love me more," He always says. It's not about finding a cure for our lonely hearts in this world. The more lonely I am, the more I love Him. The best part is that He is so gracious, loving, forgiving, merciful, and understanding. My life is no longer a childish idea about having that church described "relationship with Jesus." I really know Him now. He is my Father, friend, comforter, brother, keeper of my heart, and so much more. Who am I that my God would be my Friend? I am so thankful.