Who I am

This past week has been one of the hardest in my life, but I think I have finally discovered some things about myself that I didn't see before. After my trials and pain last semester, I thought God had finished working in me through that experience and that I had learned what I needed to learn: that music is a blessing that I should thank him for every day. I was very surprised when the pain not only came back, but began to get worse until last Thursday when I could no longer play. I am now sitting out an entire symphony concert, and giving up my very first opportunity to play in the city's professional symphony as well. My heart hurts, because once again, I am in a place that I never thought I would be in: I can't remember what it feels like to play without pain. Lord, is this me talking? No, not me. This was never going to happen to me...
I realized for the first time that without my identity as a violinist, I still have an identity as myself. I am still the Lord's servant, a daughter of the king, and an aspiring woman of God. Even if I had to give up the violin, I would still be me. This is a hard thing for a musician to realize, no matter how simple it may seem. I also learned this week that I don't know what I want to do after I graduate next spring. I thought I had my plans laid out, but now I've realized that I don't even want those things. I keep saying to myself "I am stronger when I am weak." It is this biblical principal on which my life is built right now. That and also, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."
I am sure of this one thing, that I am blessed with a tremedous grup of family and friends and an awesome God, and I will never be left alone. Finally I am where God wants me to be: I have nothing left to give. Even what I give to Him comes from Him. I am helpless, so His strength can be mine. I have not strenth, no plans, and no answers. He can now freely mold my life to His will. I am ready for God to move.

Taking a Leap of Faith

God has been revealing a part of my heart lately that I didn't want to see. I have realized that in most cases I would rather not do something at all, then do it and make a mistake. I'm terrified of messing up. It's kind of like living my whole life believing in courtship...relationships will allways be future in my mind so I think I'll be terrified to begin one. It will take a lot of confirmation from the Lord on that one. The same goes for very simple things like swing dancing and other time commitments. If there is any doubt in my mind as to whether I can handle it, I might just decide not to do it at all. Why take the risk, right? But I can't live like that. That is not what walking in the Holy Spirit is like. To listen to and follow the voice of God we must be willing to act against our doubts. The question I am pondering now is this: how do we discern the difference between times when we must take a leap of faith, and times when we need to step back? I think that is why I am generally quiet, because it's safe. That way I'm less likely to say something I'll regret. But it happens anyway, and the Lord lets me make mistakes anyway. I have learned that no matter what choices we make, the Holy Spirit will continue to bring our sins to light to teach and shape us. I am so thankful for that! I struggle now with learning to abide in Him. It sounds simple enough, but it is a scarry thing for me. I've allways enjoyed making lists and I have found recently that my walk with Christ has been a long list of "how to live to honor Christ". God showed me last week that my primary focus should not be to honor Him, but to abide in Him. If I learn to ponder His glory, then He will transform me, and if I learn to abide in Him, I will learn to love like He does. It is not about my list, it's about my love relationship with Jesus. This idea has been received by me with enthusiasm, but I believe it will be a tough week learning to live it. I appreciate your prayers, my dear friends. Blessings in Christ!

It is Time

The time has come for us to love as Jesus loves us. We are called and chosen to spread the knowledge of our lord to the ends of the earth. Why, then are we still here? Practicing maybe? Getting ready to go in wise preparation or just delaying the departure? I'm ready to go now. My German is not ready and I don't think that my hands are ready either, but my heart is ready. There is only one thing I wonder about...when? I know I am called to music, to Germany, to be married, to be persecuted, but only God sees the order, the time and place of each directed path of my life. How I wish I could see the big picture now! Tomorrow I go to class and I study, this weekend I go to a baseball game, in several weeks I'll have a recital, and in a year maybe I'll be a missionary or maybe I'll still be here, living as I live now. The only thing I'm sure of is that I want with all of my heart to love Him. Sometimes I doubt my ability to do even that. This I know: He will prepare me, He will show me when the time is right, and He will work through me because on my own I can do nothing. I wish only, my dear friends, that I was not so fatally flawed as to fail in following Him every day. How many times will I have to hear that it's not about me to realize it? Oh my Jesus, teach me to be a true Christ follower. This is life - to follow Christ. It is time.

Summary - it says what I have said