This past week has been one of the hardest in my life, but I think I have finally discovered some things about myself that I didn't see before. After my trials and pain last semester, I thought God had finished working in me through that experience and that I had learned what I needed to learn: that music is a blessing that I should thank him for every day. I was very surprised when the pain not only came back, but began to get worse until last Thursday when I could no longer play. I am now sitting out an entire symphony concert, and giving up my very first opportunity to play in the city's professional symphony as well. My heart hurts, because once again, I am in a place that I never thought I would be in: I can't remember what it feels like to play without pain. Lord, is this me talking? No, not me. This was never going to happen to me...
I realized for the first time that without my identity as a violinist, I still have an identity as myself. I am still the Lord's servant, a daughter of the king, and an aspiring woman of God. Even if I had to give up the violin, I would still be me. This is a hard thing for a musician to realize, no matter how simple it may seem. I also learned this week that I don't know what I want to do after I graduate next spring. I thought I had my plans laid out, but now I've realized that I don't even want those things. I keep saying to myself "I am stronger when I am weak." It is this biblical principal on which my life is built right now. That and also, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."
I am sure of this one thing, that I am blessed with a tremedous grup of family and friends and an awesome God, and I will never be left alone. Finally I am where God wants me to be: I have nothing left to give. Even what I give to Him comes from Him. I am helpless, so His strength can be mine. I have not strenth, no plans, and no answers. He can now freely mold my life to His will. I am ready for God to move.
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"Do not fear, for I am with you." Jesus Christ has given me hope that there is a specific purpose for my life, and that no matter how great the fear that assails me or the despair that tries to pull me down, His hope is greater, and His peace passes all understanding.
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About Me
- Ruth
- I am a violinist, a lover of culture, a student of German, one enchanted with history, and one who always loves a good book. I currently study violin at Baylor University where I will begin my Masters this fall.
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