My heart is not at home...

The more I learn about God and his character, the more I feel like a stranger in a strange land. Also, the more I realize that I will never be good enough. Time and time again I fail to say the right thing and to walk in the Lord's ways, but he is always there saying "I love you anyway."This week I have felt so blessed to perform Christmas music to encourage and uplift our community, but at the same time my heart has not been at rest. My mind is bombarded with busy thoughts that keep me from focusing on my Lord. Through this I have realised that my heart will only be at rest in him. It is so easy to forget!
To be a daughter of the King I must find my rest in him every day and learn to love others as I love him - with all of myself, sacrifically. It is too easy for us to love as the world loves. That is a love made only to satisfy self, but we are called to sacrifice ourselves in love and to serve those we love. I wish my heart could grasp this idea as well as my mind, but sometimes it is so hard to make the two connect. I pray every day that I would be totally satisfied in my Jesus, and that my life would be a reflection of my redemption. This is what has been on my heart lately. Tonight I go to worship him again with music celebrating the joy of the season. Merry Christmas to everyone!
Ruth

Yes, I was tagged :)

Here are 25 things I want to do before I die. They are not necisarrily in order of importance, just as I think of them...

1. Perform as a soloist in Carnegie Hall
2. Live in New York City for a year
3. Move to Germany and impact the hearts of a fatherless nation
4. To be fluent in German instead of having to think so hard about it
5. To love a husband as Christ loves the Church
6. To be a mom with lots of little boys
7. To play the Mendelssohn Violin Concerto in E minor with an orchestra
8. To understand myself
9. Learn to bless people by being a graceful woman of God
10. See my dad cry at my wedding
11. Live in Israel
12. Read "City of God" and understand it completely
13. Adopt a child
14. Spend a summer hiking in Colorado
15. Lead many to Christ
16. Marry a man of God
17. Be concertmaster of the New York Philharmonic, Berlin Philharmonic, or Vienna Symphony
18. Watch a studio of young students grow to be wonderful musicians
19. Teach violin in Germany
20. Have a baby
21. Love God with a fullness and faithfulness I have not yet known
22. Become someone who is known as a Christ follower
23. Watch the four seasons change (you'll understand if you live in Texas where the first cold front hit yesterday, November 30)
24. Teach a son to be a leader who will change the world
25. Learn to live simply

There you go :)
I'm going to tag some I haven't heard from in a while:
Take Joy and Crossblade

A struggle for understanding

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man must be seeking Christ in order to find it."
- anonymous

I have made a choice to honor God. I fail miserably at this choice every day, yet in spite of my failure I choose to be a woman that reflects my redemption. I want to live out the knowledge that "charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." The one thing that is on my heart is to honor my Lord with all that I am. I am blessed that He put this desire in my heart, because it was missing for so long.

Today I read the story of the woman who annointed the feet of Jesus. She was so overcome by his grace in forgiving her sin and so strongy knew the depth of her sin that she could not stop weeping. So she washed his feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. This was a woman who knew the greatness of the mercy of her Lord. I want to be like that.

When I have experienced His abundant grace so recently and so often, I can't understand when someone just can't seem to grasp it. They see my simple faith as a religion that I am pushing others to believe and because of that I feel I push them away by simply being who I am. Can I remain completely silent about the one thing, this man, this God, who defines my life? My heart breaks for them because they don't understand and I feel like there is a huge gap between our lives as I serve my Lord with all that I am, and they live in the world. How do you develop a friendship when the common bond of Christ is missing? This is a question that has been left unanswered in my heart.

When God Moves

This is the story of a recent answer to faithful prayers: (I changed the names for their privacy)

It was a lonely walk those first few months. My friend and I began to pray for our school and each week as we talked to people and shared what was on our hearts we became more discouaged that God was not moving. Every week we were there and every week no one else came. We finally accepted that, for now at least, it was in God’s plan for it to be just us. We took many steps of faith that semester. Katy stood in front of the orchestra and shared the testimony of God’s power on her mission trip to Juarez, Mexico. I prayed for a friend that God would heal her tendinitis. We saw no one come to Christ, and we saw no one healed. It was a lonely walk.

The more time we spent together the better Katy and I got to know each other. Each week we would share what God was doing on our hearts and pray for and encourage each other. Then we would finish our time by lifting up the music school. We prayed for friends, teachers, and recital halls and just invited the Holy Spirit to be there in our music. We asked that our practice would be worship as well as our performances and we prayed that God would put it on the hearts of the people in the music school to want to know Him and worship Him with their music. That semester we also took an orchestra trip to San Antonio. On the bus trips Katy and I got to talk to several people about the reality of spiritual warfare and the reality of God’s presence. Ben asked if we could say, without a doubt, that God exists. We had sat in His sweet presence only that morning and of course we told Ben yes, there is no room for doubt when He speaks to your heart. The semester came to a close and Katy and I said goodbye for the summer. God had used her to help me mature in Him and I was encouraged in my personal walk, but nothing in the music school had changed. It seemed we were the only ones who could see and everyone else was blind, even the believers.

When this semester began we invited everyone we could think of to come pray with us on Sunday nights. Two more were added to our number: Margaret and Sarah. Our prayer times have been a blessing. The first week of September I worked at family camp where I got to spend time with my best friend Courtney (real name, haha) and her new guy friend. We had so much fun together and I learned through both of their wisdom how to be content with where God has me. The taught me to walk in His peace. Two weeks later I went to a college retreat where we studied Colossians. I learned that my future was on the "throne" of my life. That my main focus was what would happen after I graduated and all the exciting things I could do. I thought about that most of the time, instead of renewing my mind in Christ. That week I learned that Jesus died for my sin. There was a sign above His head listing His crimes and on that sign was everything that I have ever done and ever will do. I finally felt the revelation in my heart. It was the first time my heart was ever broken because of my sin. It felt like my sin was finally a reality.

Next God taught me to live by faith. He taught me that I need to love others with all that I have, and only that can take the awkwardness and newness of friendships away, because then the focus is not on myself. About a month into the semester I began to feel tension and tingling in both of my arms and hands. I dealt with it like I would a sore muscle, just a part of life. After a week had gone by and the pain was getting worse, I started to be afraid. My friend Anna had just played for the first time after giving up the violin for a year because she inured her arms. It seemed there was a monster lurking in the music school and it had finally grabbed a hold of me. I wondered if I would lose the thing I held the most dear – my ability to play the violin. The week of October third I realized that everything God had taught me in rapid succession that semester had been leading up to the trial. He had spent countless hours preparing my heart for what was to come so that I would be ready to accept what He had to teach me. That same week I learned that life is a wilderness journey and that when God takes us into the wilderness it is so He can "hit our cup" and reveal what has been inside of us all along. The same time this was happening God called me to quit my job at Starbucks. I struggled with it for about a week and He confirmed it in so many ways. The main thing He said during that week was to trust Him for my financial provision. The day after I quit I got a check in the mail for four hundred dollars! This was from a scholarship that I had not received. That day I was so excited that I wanted to go to work and tell someone. I was tired though, so I started to go to bed, but God told me clearly that I needed to go to work. I went reluctantly and when I got there I met a friend who ended up praying for me and I also prayed for her. She told me "It’s really funny, but I was thinking about going to bed and I felt like God told me to come here tonight." God is so faithful!

About a week after I started having pain I saw a doctor and he asked me to take a break, so for the next two weeks I hardly played at all. That was the week I quit work. I came back from my break only recovered enough to make it day by day. The pain was still there, and with opera rehearsals for three hours at a time it only got worse. During those first two weeks I experienced such sweetness of God’s presence. After that, I was ready to play again so I decided I was finished with this character building. I told Him that was enough and that I wanted my arms back. "I’m not finished," He said. He revealed to my heart that I loved Him, but I did not trust Him. That was a hard thing to learn. The stress mounted as the concerto competition loomed nearer and I began to gradually practice more and more. My playing time was still significantly limited and I found that the more insignificant I became the more I accomplished for God’s glory. God showed me what a blessing it is to play the violin and how I need to thank Him for it every day.

A few weeks ago I played the first movement of my concerto (Mendelssohn violin concerto in E minor) in studio class and the main comment I got was that the musicality was not communicating. "I can see that you have this passion inside," one of my friends said, "but you're not letting it out." I realized that I was afraid to expose my heart to an audience and I had not been willing to really put myself into my performances. I saw that before Jesus could reveal himself through my music I had to open up and allow people to see my sinful, ugly heart. I need to reflect His image instead of perfecting my own. The last opera performance was last Sunday, the Sunday before the competition. That day my arms were hurting a lot and I began to cry as I asked God why he would allow this to continue when something so important approached.
The night of the competition I was waiting to warm up with my accompanist and I met Laura, another violinist also in the competition, in the hallway. We started to talk about stuff and she shared that she felt everything would be okay because God had given her a revelation last Saturday that she was to play unto the Lord. That same day she got a card in the mail that said, "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord." We both went to warm up and while I played I felt the Holy Spirit so strongly that I almost cried. When I played my concerto in the preliminaries that Wednesday night, November 8, I felt so covered and protected. I was nervous, of course, but God kept speaking to me. Just little things that would help me stay focused, and the voice was so gentle and quiet. Before the end of the first movement I was sweating like crazy and I never sweat when I perform. I walked off the stage feeling like I had poured myself out as a drink offering. I could barely stand up and I was soaking with sweat. I have never put myself into a performance like that before. I realized about ten minutes later that there was no pain in my arms or hands. They were not tense at all. Until that night I had never played all three movements of my concerto without stopping because it hurt too much. God had not only annointed my music, he had healed my arms! The day before God had given me a verse to think about. Keeping in mind that my time of trial had been a wilderness, Isaiah 51:3 says, "Indeed, the Lord will comfort Zion. He will comfort all her waste places, and her wilderness He will make like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of a melody."

I found out later that night that Laura had experienced the same thing. She also was moved to tears while she was warming up with her pianist, and she felt God’s presence and heard His voice while she played in the competition. She kept telling me I had something special going on and I kept telling her it was all Jesus. I am so thankful He chose to let me be a part of this giant move of His spirit! We prayed that music would be worship, and he gave us the annointing of His Spirit. GOD ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS. Saturday of the same week as the preliminaries, Laura played the final round. Katy and I sat in awe as she played the Sibelius violin concerto. There were tears streaming down our faces and sniffles from Katy as she tried to keep the contest judges from hearing her cry. We all thanked Jesus for his move in our music school. "Keep speaking to us," Laura said, "we’re still listening."

The Saturday of the final round of the competiton was yesterday. We started praying for these tings last January. It was a long, lonely journey, but we have met a faithful God who answeres prayer. I didn't make it to the final round, but I learned how to play for Jesus. Laura didn't win the competition (against 7 other musicians), but she learned how to play for Jesus. We are both very blesed. Four days later there is still no pain in my arms.

My survey:

Four Jobs I've had in my life:
1. Housekeeper
2. Babysitter (of course)
3. Accounts payable/file clerk
4. Starbucks barista

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Pride and Prejudice (new or old)
2. The Lord of the Rings
3. Anne of Green Gables
4. The Count of Monte Cristo

Four places I have lived (In Chronological Order):
1. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
2. Arlington, Texas
3. Waco, Texas
4. That’s all for now but the next one may be New York or Germany…

Four TV shows I love to watch
1. Monk
2. Psyche
3. Smallville
4. Mad About You

Four places I have been on vacation
1. Southern Germany
2. Israel
3. Colorado
4. New York City

Four of my favorite foods
1. New York Cheese Cake
2. Home cooked hamburgers
3. Mom’s strouganough (spelling?…aw who cares)
4. Pizza with black olives, onions and bell peppers

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. New York City…to just walk among the lights
2. Borger, Texas (in the middle of nowhere with my best friend)
3. Dallas, Texas (in the middle of somewhere with my other best friend)
4. On stage in Jones Hall performing the Mendelssohn violin concerto

Four things I always carry with me
1. My violin
2. My German dictionary
3. My drivers liscense
4. My love for Christ

Four friends that I think will respond (but I won't be surprised or offended if you don't):1. Eucharisto (already did)
2. …
3. …
4. …

Tag you're it! You are tagged. So here it goes... Copy and paste. . Delete myanswers, replace with your own and send it back to me and on to other friends!Foolish Knight's questions!

Four albums I could listen to until those darn cows come home:
1. Josh Groban, Closer
2. Nicole Nordeman, Brave
3. Il Divo (album name?)
4. World Mandate from Antioch Community Church

Four writers that have changed my life:
1. C. S. Lewis
2. Paul, because of the way he explaines our faith
3. Jeff and Danielle Myers
4. …still discovering…

Four dead people who are also my heroes
1. Paul
2. Rich Mullins (I love his spirit; you can catch it all throughout his music)
3. Dorothy Delay (an inspiring violin teacher and musician who taught at Juilliard)
I’m not sure…I think I’ll leave it at three for now

Four things I'd grab from a fire
1. My violin of course
2. My journal
3. My cat (because she’s really cute)
4. My Bible

Joel’s questions:

Four books I've read twice, or more: (ok there are not four, in fact there is only one, but I will tell you four that I would read twice had I the time and focus)
1. Pride and Prejudice (the only book I’ve ever read twice)
2. The Count of Monte Cristo
3. The City of God, by St. Augustine
4. A Tale of Two Cities, Dickens

Four Musicians I'd like to see Live:
1. Nicole Nordeman
2. Itzhak Perlman (I have seen him live twice, and will continue to as many times as I can)
3. The New York Philharmonic
4. Michael Buble

That’s it…and it involved a lot of thought so I hope you enjoyed reading it :)

FINALITY - a word that has been eating at me. What does it really mean? Does it really exist? There is something in that word that makes me shiver, as if it speaks of no hope, the end of our second chances. I don't think it exists, except in one form: death. Wait, I am wrong. It does not exist in death, for death only gives the appearance of finality. In truth, death is the doorway to the very opposite of finalty: eternal life.

This week I have experienced grace again and again. Each day I make new mistakes, and I realize things about myself. I am still terrified to be walking in this new world, but I know that somewhere, somehow there lies a plan and a purpose for me. I feel so alone and empty, like I am one invisible person amongst the masses - "Lost in a sea of faces". My heart cries out, "will I ever be good enough, will I ever really make it in this harsh and competitive world." The only way to truly know is to trust. My savior has placed me here in the center of His will and I do totally trust Him. I think if I learn nothing else during this time there is one thing He wants me to grasp. I must draw near to him, nearer than I have ever been. This is the essence of life.

Distractions

There's a feeling we all experience. A feeling of recognition, of understanding. We see something at the surface level, but after a while reality beigins to sink in and we really begin to understand. That is how I felt today. I did what was right today - I got enough sleep, I excercised, I ate good food, and I spent time with the Lord. I went to work ready to face the world because I had done what I needed to for myself. Then I saw my distraction. At first I took it in the normal stride of life, but I began to realize that it was a distraction from the Enemy. I remembered the feeling...I begin to get close to God, to get in touch with the Holy Spirit, then my distraction comes. It may be a different distraction depending on what season I'm in, but the Enemy never fails to send it my way right when I'm not expecting it: When I'm content. The good things is, God is always near. Today He reminded me that it was just that - a distraction. I turned and walked away, feeling a genuine happiness in knowing that the things we all struggle with are able to be overcome. Jesus gives us this power and when we tune our hearts to Him, we will never fail to be surprised. He had my back today, as always, and I am grateful. Once again, my distraction has come and gone, and once again I am a better person because of making the right decision and calling on help from above. Our temptations and distractions are never bigger than the power the Lord has given us to overcome them.

The Conflict in Israel

A word from the Lord to Chuck Pierce on January 29, 2006

I heard the Lord say the following:

"In the midst of the summer at the hottest point you will begin to see the snow of Lebanon melt. Watch as Palestine and Syria form an ungodly alliance with Lebanon. For Lebanon is at the end of the fork of the road of change for the Middle East. Lebanon will become an issue that causes the Middle East to go one way or the other.
In the midst of the beauty and grandeur of this place I will begin to write a new script over how the nations will realign. Out of Lebanon a new wineskin will form and a new river will begin to rise. I will bring conflict into Lebanon because it is the boundary that I will deal with this year concerning My promised land of Israel.

The warlike tribes of Lebanon will once again arise. But in the end I will win this war, and the riches that have been withheld from My kingdom plan will be released. Watch and see for there is a new vision. For in the days ahead you will hear a cry arise from the deep affliction and mourning that comes out of Lebanon.

Out of the ancient city of Damascus, you will see a caravan arise. I, Ancient of Days, will create a conflict in Damascus. My power will be displayed to the world when I break the confederation of demonic hosts that are aligned against My covenant plan.Out of Damascus will come a new move of My Spirit. Many conversions and miracles will occur in the region that surrounds Damascus. Watch because I am realigning the nations of this region. I will send angelic forces to guard My plan. No matter how Syria arises against that plan at this time, I will have warring angelic forces that will counteract the plan of men that are aligned with evil forces to create havoc. Sing the songs of the Ancient of Days for it is those songs that will create the sound of victory over the lands of this region."

GOD GIVES US THESE WORDS IN THE BODY OF MESSIAH TO HELP US KNOW HOW TO PRAY AND TO DISCERN WHICH DIRECTION THE LORD WANTS TO MOVE. PRAY THAT AN OUTPOURING OF GOD'S SPIRIT WILL FALL UPON THE MUSLIM PEOPLE OF SYRIA. SINCE EVERY TRIBE AND TONGUE MUST BE REPRESENTED IN HEAVEN, GOD WANTS A GREAT REPRESENTATION FROM LEBANON AND SYRIA TOO.

I thought this was very interesting and exciting! It is so amazing to see God moving in the land of His people.

Saturday

Today was a nice, slow day. I slept late because I closed last night, so I got off work at 1:00am. We had a good time, though! I got up at about 11:00am I think, then had breakfast. Dad and I went to Cingular to check about getting a new phone (since mine has been dropped a few too many times) and since I'm not up for a new contract yet, I'm going to get a Go-Phone and just put my SIM card in it. Who knew you could do that? It will work like nothing ever happened - no fees or anything and it's only about $30. I'm very excited about that!!

Tomorrow is the first day ...sorry, my thoughts were just interrupted. I was going to tell you about the musical I'm in, but there are so much more important things going on. Last night I was on a break and looking at the front page of the NY Times. I almost cried...probably would have if there weren't other people around. I was stunned today in TIME magazine to see a photo of a dead child. How can the photographer even take those photos? I can't even imagine the heartache that is happening in Israel and Lebannon right now. When I read about several children being killed by a missle in Nasareth I was heart broken. I remember walking through those streets two years ago, talking to an Arabic couple who run an orphanidge there. I remember touring the reconstructed "Nasareth Village" and God providing an interpreter for the French couple that was with us. My, how things have changed since then. I can't even imagine a missle landing in the streets in Jesus' home town!!!! Israel is such a special, amazing place and it is getting blown up. Not that this is the first time there has been a war there. It just seems so close to my heart now because I was there...it's almost like another home to me. I think there is something in all of our hearts that longs for the Holy Land and if you haven't discovered it yet, you will some day. Jerusalem is not the same as it was in the days of the Kings of Israel, but it is the same city, in the same location, and we still have the same, unchanging God - Yahweh. In the past few days the one phrase that repeats itself in my mind is the Shema: Hear O Israel, Yahweh is God, Yahweh alone. He will have His way in this conflict, even if we don't understand it. Lord, be with those in trouble now. Your will be done.

How you spend your time = who you become

I've realized recently that the more I spend time with different people, the more I become like them. I learn things, lots of things. Some good, some bad, some just preferences, but either way I change all the time. I think that's the essence of who we are as human beings. The first people who influence you are your parents. They shape you in a way no other people can. Then you gradually begin to change, you start to challenge them and yourself to be different, to grow, and hopefully to allow God to mold you His way. But even if you've surrendered yourself to Him molding you there are still physical choices you have to make to stay in obedience to that. The biggest one is your choice of friends. If you want Him to change your heart and shape it to be like His you have to choose friends who are also seeking after Him. Thier hearts longing for the Spirit will draw yours to Christ also and you will be encouraged and uplifted, even on the worst of days. Like I was tonight...I had such a wonderful day yesterday but all my happiness couldn't get me through todays crisis. Yet, somehow, I was able to go to a crazy movie and just laugh witht two dear friends. Yes, when the movie ended my heart remembered my troubles, but the laughter has made me feel better and somehow the light has begun to creep back in.

Please pray for Dad because of his heart. We all need the Lord's wisdom right now. We also could use a lot of peace. I don't really want to put any more info up just because I don't like the internet, but you can call me if you want more details on how to pray. Thank you so much!

The seen and the unseen

There are so many things in life that we can see, yet there is no clear definition for them. On the other hand, there are many unseen things that we as believers have no doubt about. I see it as a simple element of human nature, but kind of backwards. Usually we would like to put our trust in those things that we CAN see, but what if they are not reliable? I think this realization, the realization that we can't trust these visible objects, is what has brought us to our knees before an unseen God. As a believer I find it much easier to have "blind" faith than to seek out the issues. To some extent this complete trust is good, but it can also be taken too far. God gave us amazing minds that He intended for us to use to seek Him and study His words. It seems I am rambling, but I have just been thinking a lot about spiritual warfare. I had one specific instance in my life where I was very confused, but in a moment my dad identified my problem as an attack of the enemy and clarity immediately covered the situation. Problem solved! All I had to do was realize that I was warring not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities. It is kind of an odd feeling to know that there are spiritual beings all around us, and not just there, but actively fighting a battle. We have a choice to either engage in this battle, or to ignore its existence. It is easy to forget this reality, but it seems that God never fails to remind us when we need to remember the most. Thank you for allowing me to sort out my thoughts. I hope you can make some sense of them :)

Life is Awesome because God is Awesome!

Yes, life is good :) I was so ministered to in Church this morning! He really spoke to my heart, especially in beginning a healing process. I was hurt by a friend and it's been hard to let them go. My friend is and has been walking away from God and pursuing their own life, and that breaks my heart. But I know that I can trust Jesus to intercede for thier salvation and also to heal my own heart.

In the mean time, I am so excited about work! I have several dear friends who also have a heart to see people saved and healed and restored and I am very excited that we can all agree together for salvation and change in our store! Besides work there is not much going on. I have the freedom to spend time with friends now and I love it! I am off to work once again, so I hope you all have a wonderful day!

The End

There comes a time in life when we realize that we have achieved a goal. For the past two years mine has been to graduate with my associates degree. Tonight I realized that the time is very close....only 5 days! Today I took my last final and tomorrow I have my exit recital. I am so excited! I have been dreaming the past few days about walking onto that stage in my gorgeous evening gown, my hair a pile of curls, and I confess not thinking enough about bringing light into the darkenss. Instead, I've been thinking of how beautiful I will be and how I will leave an impression. Yes, I know that everyone will say I'm wonderful, but what is important is that I give glory to the Father. He gave me this gift and he could take it away at any time. So tonight I repent of my selfishness and take a new step forward - a step toward freedom. When I walk onto that stage tomorrow night I will not shine because I look beautiful, I will shine because His light radiates from deep within my soul. I KNOW HIM! That's what I want everyone to see. There is a man named Jesus who loves me and I can express his glory through music. That is the impression that I want to leave and with that I say goodnight. I feel tonight that a huge burden has been lifted. I have hit a mark and now it's time to move on to the next goal, but in between - finally - there will be time to breathe. I didn't realize until just now how much I need that time.

"Be still and know that I am God..."

The night was humid and dark, the sun had long since descended to its resting place. She took in a deep breath, then let it out as an audible sigh as she ascended the concrete stairs to the second floor. Emptiness, that is what she felt. Emptines pervaded by weariness. In a moment, she reached the top of the stars and opened the door. A stray thought entered her mind reminding her of all she was missing: time with friends, fun, or simply time alone in the quiet. With the opening of the door came a blend of notes all sounding at once. Music from a violin drifted from one direction, from another came the voice of a tenor. This was her lot, she knew, to practice until she got it right, until she was good enough. There it was again, the Enemy's open invitation, and once again he took it. "You'll never be good enough," he whispered. She agreed complacently, yet as she walked down the long hallway looking for an empty room something inide of her fought back. Somewhere in the depth of her soul she knew she could do it, she knew she could be better, but was she willing to make the sacrifice? Was she willing to lay down her life in service to the gift her Father had bestowed upon her. She knew that she had no choice, for her heart yeared to open the case and make music once again. Her heart quickened with anticipation as she tightened her bow and rubbed the hair gently against the glowing amber stone of rosin. She tenderly slid the shoulder rest in place and breathed yet another heavy sigh. This time it would be better, she knew, for that was the essence of practicing. With each moment, each hour spent the music became sweeter. As she lifted the violin to her shoulder it suddently became invisible, it's form drifting into hers to creat a oneness that can not be described, but surely can be felt. As her bow touched the strings and she began to recreate the harmony of Bach the oneness was heard by any and all wandering ears that happened to be nearby. This was her time, she knew. The darkness in her soul gradually began to fade as the light permeated her very being. She knew where the light came from. It was the same light that created the music, created her life. As her sound blended with the hundred others making music that night she began to know her purpose: to worship her creator with the fullness of her being and to bring light into a world of darkness. If the music could touch her soul surely she could give that gift to others. This was her purpose and she must fulfill it or her life would be like a score without the notes: empty.

Alive and well

Yes, I am alive! I don't have much time so I'll just give you all a quick update.

I have a full scholarship to Baylor University starting this fall!!! God is so gracious!

I am 4 weeks away from finishing this semester and then I'll work full time through the summer.

Life is good and God is teaching me a lot!!

I'm getting really good at swing dancing :)

Chapter 12: The Last Supper

How aweful I have been to neglect posting the final chapter of "Grace". I hope you have all enjoyed reading it, and I hope one day I will be inspired to write again. For now, here is the conclusion of Grace:

Grace again stepped through the door to Earth, but this time she felt a peace in her heart. She was not overwhelmed by the sin of the world or the pull of time, but she did feel those things and she also felt the need to quench them, as if she were a bucket of pure cool water to be poured over a parched land. She soon arrived at the doorstep of a lovely house in the suburbs of Chicago. Grace sighed deeply as she remembered the last time she had been in that house and she said a quick prayer before going inside. "Maker, Father, help me to show these people your grace and forgiveness in the same way you have shown it to me." She then reached up her hand and knocked on the door. The face of the woman who answered the door was creased in a tear-streaked smile. "Your back!" she said. "I am so glad you are ok" "You helped me in my time of need," replied Grace, "and now I am here to help you." "Come in, come in," said the woman between her joyful sobs. "My daughter is home, my baby is home. Come and celebrate with us!" When Grace stepped into the home she let out a cry of joy at the sight of a little girl, held tightly by her father, in the living room. It was the same child Grace had been sent to rescue in Chicago what seemed like so long ago. The girl sat up when she saw Grace and pointed saying, "Daddy, daddy! She’s my guardian angel. She is the angel I saw when I was lost!" "No," said Grace, kneeling down beside the child. "I don’t deserve to be called such. I saw you but I did not help you, and for that I deserve eternal death, but my father has given me something very special to share with you. He has given me the gift of eternal life, and you can have it too." With tears streaming down both of their faces, the parents knelt down beside Grace and said a prayer of thanks to their heavenly Father for the gift of their daughter’s safe return home. "Come," said the woman. "Let’s have communion." Together the four of them broke bread and shared wine, and as they did so they remembered the sacrifice of a man named Jesus who lived long ago. Jesus gave of his own body and blood so that they might have eternal life, and as they remembered his sacrifice they lifted their eyes to heaven and began to sing. "O come, let us adore him. O come, let us adore him. O come, let us adore him, Christ, the Lord." A tear slipped down Grace’s face, for she could not remember ever being so happy.

Copyright © 2005 by Jamie Madera. Reproduction is forbidden without permission. Contact me at jamielynne87@yahoo.com.

When you first start to run...

Wow, all this talk about love and "boys" has me thinking...actually, it's God who has me thinking. You see, he's been working in my heart lately. I aksed him to break my heart, and a few days after my heart was broken I realized that it was an aswer to prayer. Yesterday I told him I wanted to die for him, and tonight I began to die. Have you ever felt the most uncomfortable, aweful feeling, yet known that God was replacing your flesh with his Spirit? That's what it was like. I knew that I was dying and that it was good, but I have never felt more uncomfortable.
When we decide to follow Jesus, and I mean REALLY follow Jesus with every step we take, the devil hears about it and comes running. He throws things at us from every side until we feel we must be doing someting wrong to feel so aweful and...well, I usually think "I lost my happy feeling".

Thurday night I told God "I want to run with you, I want to war with you, and I want to die for you. Take me, I'm willing." I walked into opening night of my colleges musical (I'm in the orchestra) and the devil said "Look at that guy, isn't he cute?" after a couple hours, I went, "Hey, no way Satan, you will not distract me like that!" It was really awesome to recognize that the devil was trying to distract me. So then Friday night the musical was under stress - panick attacks and asthma attakcs among performers - and then on top of it I tripped on the stairs and scared the heck out of the guy I was walking with. So I began to pray. I prayed for peace and against fear and as I prayed I realized that my words have power. Only hours before I had said "I want to war with you, God" In that moment I realized he had answered my prayer yet again, I was warring with him, fighting in his army! So here I am after night three of the performance. All is well and I hope that the spirits of peace and worship reign in that theatre in place of fear, but all I can be sure of is the fact that God is working in me, and hopefully through me, and my life is changing. I am in one of those defining moments when I have to change the way I act or what I say or how I say things, and honestly it is very hard. But I trust my God, throughout the day he has touched my heart so many ways. This morning I was driving to work at 6:45am and the new song by Carrie Underwood came on the radio. All of a sudden I awoke from my thoughts and began to cry as she said "She threw up her hands and said "Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands, I can't do it on my own, I'm letting go so give me one more chance. Jesus, take the wheel."

Memories from Isreal

Here's a photo of "the gang" in Israel in June 2004. We are standing on the Mt. of Olives overlooking the East Gate of Jerusalem. From left: me(jamie), Sarah Owen, Katy Owen, Jeff Owen, Leah Wolf, Stephen Salstrand, Dillon Warnock. We had so much fun!

German review...

Ok, so about year and a half ago I was fluent in German, but now I am back to square one, and I need a place to practice. So here goes, I'm giving you a run down of the basics. Let me tell you about myself:

Hallo! Ich heise Jamie. I komme aus Pennsylvania, aber ich wohne in Waco, Texas. Mein Vater heist Ron und meine Mutter heist Janet. Ich habe eine Schwester und ihre name ist Hannah. Ich spiele Geige, und bin in die Baylor Symphony. Ich liebe Jesus Cristus, mein Herr. Jetzt gehe ich zu Universitat und studiere Musik. Jetzt ist es fuenf uhr dreizig und wir wollen supper gegessen. Aufwiedersehen!!

Wanna gues what I said? Have fun :-D

My heart

If you really know me, you know that I have a huge heart for evangelism, so I thought I would post the lyrics to a song that has really ministered to me. The song is by Casting Crowns.

Fathere hear my prayer, I need the perfect words,

words that he will hear, and know thier straight from You

I don't know what to say, I only know it hurts,

to see my only friend slowly fade away

Maybe this time, I'll speak the words of life,

with Your fire in my eyes

but that old familiar fear is tearin' at my words

what am I so afraid of, here I go again

talkin' 'bout the rain, and mullin' over things,

that won't live past today

and as I dance around the truth, time is not his friend

this might be my last chance to tell him that You love him,

but here I go again

It is time

It seems it is time for a list. Yes, I feel like posting a top ten list, but of what? Well, my dear reader, for that you will have to wait and see. Let's play a little game. See if you can match the numbers with their lists. I'll help you out by lettering the lists (A,B,C,D...there will be more than one number per list) Got it? The one with the most correct matches wins. Go!
A. Things I dream of
B. Things important in my future husband
C. These things are lots of fun!
D. Things I do in my quiet times
Here are your numbers. Remember to choose which list they match with:
1. To play in the New York Philharmonic
2. To seek after the heart of God (could this be a trick question?)
3. To be able to see the depth of a person's heart
4. To read a book written by Jane Austen
5. To be interested in the things I love
6. To ice skate
7. To live in Germany or Israel
8. To sit by the fire and think
9. To spend time with my best friend
10. To swing dance
I am ready and waiting to see how many you can get right! Answers will come soon, but not until you have at least tried. Have fun! :)

Swing dancing and being stood up...

Somehow I always end up getting guys to committ to come to swing club, then they don't show up, so I get stuck dancing with guys I don't know who are either weird, scarry, intimidating, or very sweet (I do make a point to say there are quite a few of the last kind) . But there must be some kind of reasoning to explain why the guys I want to come don't (and never mention why). Is there some kind of guy radar that says "this girl wants me to come, so I better not". Well, I apologise for my rants. Just the experience of the night. I am still in the learning process of this "guy friend" thing. It's a lot of work! :)

Chapter Eleven: A Day of Great Rejoicing

Grace settled in for her rest that night, and as angels do, she began to pray. She had not rested so fully for many months, and when she finished her prayer and the dawning sun began to seep in through her windows she felt refreshed. Her spirit was renewed not only from her prayer, but also because of the forgiveness of the Maker and the love of her friends. Grace got up from her knees, stretched, and began to prepare herself for the gathering. Just as she finished getting ready she heard a gentle knock at the door. She opened it to find her dear friend Rejoicing standing before her. "Come with me," said Grace’s friend with a broad smile on her face and excitement in her voice. "I want you to come worship with me." Grace took Rejoicing’s hand, excited to have a companion to accompany her to worship, and together they ran down the street, jumping for joy. There was a presence in the air that penetrated their hearts and they could feel a new song forming on their lips. When they reached the town square there was assembled a multitude of heavenly hosts, all glowing in their white gowns. Grace was wearing one too, although she couldn’t remember having put it on. She looked ahead and saw a shining light in the center of the great crowd. He wore a crown of gold and his eyes shone like fire. His sleeves were trimmed with glittering lace so white it was barely visible. He stood in his royal white robes that shone like the sun, facing the host of angels. The Maker’s face shone with a bright smile as he watching his beloved worshiping him. Some bowed, others kneeled, and others jumped and sang with joy. Some even remained still and silent in awe of His Grace. Yes, that is who she was: she was His Grace. In that moment Grace knew that she had a special purpose, and as she slipped out of the crowd she felt confident that the will of the Maker would be done through her. She would be used to bring healing because she was Grace, and she knew her purpose.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Annus slammed his fist against the table and shouted with indignation. "He has no right to her! Why does he always win? Why can I never succeed against him? I am supposed to have dominion over this earth, and I intend to claim my right!" As he finished his tirade, Annus began to pace the floor in anger. It was then, to his great surprise, that he heard a voice. The mere sound of it threw him to the floor, and he wept with fear as he lay face down. "I am the Lord, your God, Maker of heaven and earth. I have given your dominion to you, but I have dominion over you!" said the booming voice of the Maker. The sound of it was multiplied like the echo of an earth quake. He continued, "You will keep your power for now, but always remember that your day will come! I hold your life in my hands." Annus screeched at the pain of hearing the voice of the Maker, and he knew then that he had lost. Grace would never be his.

Copyright © 2005 by Jamie Madera. Reproduction is forbidden without permission. Contact me at jamielynne87@yahoo.com.